I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank