Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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