I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.