I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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