Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
