Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
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Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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