If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
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Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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