Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
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We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
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I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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