1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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