I wish my penis had an off switch
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
it was like eating out sand paper
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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