Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
