im holly from the hills drunk
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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