Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.