it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it