I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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