Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
