Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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