can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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