I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
