I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dating After Heartbreak
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside