I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person