the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.