I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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