My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
