oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
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Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
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Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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