I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
