this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
