Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
