You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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