If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sorry my hands just texted you
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
