R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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