Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
