don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
