He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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