I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.