gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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