I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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