I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
