kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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