Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
