what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
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He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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