I look better un-naked...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?