oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
