plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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