and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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