I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.