Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life