So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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