as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."