my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN