My sheets look like a crime scene.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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