theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."