do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends