i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
