Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
