All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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