is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
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OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
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Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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